In “Dating In The Time of Covid”, I introduced the alluring “dating roadmap”. In my experience, the differences between dating with and without a roadmap are monumental but it is ultimately a choice whether to use one.
Picture this, you’re in Paris, the city of lights that is bubbling over with romance, breathtaking architecture, the chicest fashion, and exquisite food.
There are few things more lovely than…
– Getting lost down small cobblestone winding roads in the Marais
– Popping into a patisserie (bakery) for an amuse bouche (delightful snack) to eat in the Luxembourg Garden
– Exchanging glances with a devilishly handsome passerby as you sit in a café along St. Germain des Pres with a glass of Sancerre
– END SCENE
That darling reader is the intoxicating carefree sensation of dating without a roadmap. Lovely journey? Yes. Exhilaratingly spontaneous? Of course. Direction? Hardly.
After breaking up with my first real adult love at the tender age of 25, I dated without a road map for 7 years in New York City. I was unable to fathom the possibility of lightning (a love so intense) being able to strike twice in a lifetime.
At times I was reckless, often impossibly guarded, typically skeptical and always excited for the thrill of having a crush only to have it fizzle and fade and get ready to do it all over again. I became addicted to the casual crush, it’s the best part of a relationship (the butterfly-filled beginning) without the often anxiety-filled defining-the-relationship, serious stage.
– You’re walking out of your hotel in the 6th, a neighborhood chosen as you are a true bohemian at heart.
– You stroll down to the Seine where the river meets Musee D’Orsay which is full of Impressionist – masterful lovers but too spontaneous for monogamy or any sort of professional stable jobs.
– Turning away only to bump into the charming Napoleon types that are housed in Invalides. Just your type but too career-focused to properly court you.
– You continue walking along the Seine only to stumble upon the most magnificent sight of them all, the Eiffel Tower. Handsome, iconic, reliable, and thoughtful.
The point is, if you go into the journey with the intention of finding / looking for the Eiffel Tower you won’t get distracted by the other seductive sights that seem great but typically require compromise(s). The sooner one learns to quit compromising on what constitutes a “dealbreaker” (either now or later), the better you can proceed on the journey to what you are truly seeking.
Step 1: be as specific as possible as to what you desire in each category for your mate
Step 2: circle the must-haves or deal breakers (and be as brutally honest as possible – this is very important)
Step 3: make an additional list of just deal breakers (you can also think of it as red flags)
Step 4: once the list is complete, meditate on … the feeling you’ll have when you meet this person.
3. Personality traits (trust, fidelity, integrity, chivalry, etc.)
4. Physical characteristics
5. Health / physical activity
6. Family relationships / dynamic
7. Desire for children / have family
9. Day to day lifestyle
10. Sexual desires / chemistry
After every Bumble date in 2021, I would reference the road map and make different dating decisions that I would have normally not made previously. Manifestation is a wildly powerful tool to harness and that is what the road map is all about. Sometimes it’s the journey, sometimes it’s the destination but always remember you are always in the driver’s seat.
Part 2 of a short series on dating for the modern woman.
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Kalu Ndukwe Kalu
The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.